Finally: the iPhone has freed itself from AT&T’s arthritic clutches and ventured out to the land of—gasp!—real reception. In no time at all, Verizon customers will be able to become part of the smartphone elite.
If you’re a current Verizon customer, you should immediately:
- Check to see if you’re grandfathered into the unlimited data plan, and if so, never change it
- Snap your Droid in half, blame it on a woodsy ogre
- Buy a bumper case so we don’t have to hear another round of bitching about Antennagate
- Convince friends and family to do whatever it takes to get an iPhone on Verizon
If you’re a current AT&T customer, you should immediately:
- Feign death in the family to get out of your newly inked two-year contract
- Sell your iPhone 4 on Craigslist for an egregious amount (to pay for your contract-breaking fee and your new by-the-megabyte data plan, among other things)
- Convince friends and family to do whatever it takes to get an iPhone on Verizon
If you’re on Sprint, stick with it. You’ve got 4G. The iPhone won’t be getting 4G for at least a year or two, so while your app-downloading, Angry Birds–playing buddies may think they’re superior, it’s you, in fact, who are ahead of the game.
The iPhone on Verizon will supposedly fix all of the problems associated with Apple’s smartphone. This is untrue.
The antenna will not be fixed.
Did you honestly believe that a Verizon iPhone would fix the touch-this-and-die spot on the iPhone 4? Do you think Apple—or any company for that matter—would be so foolish as to release an admittedly broken phone and then, months later, offer a fixed version on a competing network and expect not to get sued for billions? Your iPhone 4 will still be “broken.” Either deal with it or wait until June for the iPhone 5.
The iPhone will not get 4G speeds (yet).
The iPhone was not built to handle the 4G network. Just because Verizon has a 4G network does not mean the iPhone will be able to access the 4G network. So if you want 4G right now, either stick with or go to Sprint and get the HTC EVO 4G—a smartphone superior to the iPhone in all regards.
Apple releases product upgrades on a yearly basis; the iPhone cycle occurs in June. Whether the iPhone 5 will have 4G capability is dubious at best, but if you’re to take into consideration Apple’s history of being two steps behind technological progression, you’ll probably have to wait until June 2012 to surf at follicle-bending speeds.
Verizon’s reception will suffer.
Life before the iPhone must’ve been amazing for call clarity, reception, and data accessibility. Then Apple strapped on its combat boots and crushed AT&T’s network like so many post-liberal-arts-school dreams.
When millions of people attempt to upload Facebook photos, stream YouTube videos, listen to Last.fm via 3G and all the other mouth-watering goodies now taken for granted in this age of smartphoning, the supporting antennas buckle, trip, and fall.
Verizon has more antennas. Stronger antennas. But these aren’t impervious antennas.
They, too, will suffer the wrath of data-hungry iPhone customers, especially if millions of pissed-off AT&T customers behave as expected and ditch Ma Bell for Verizon’s wide-open arms.
And this is why you should follow my instructions above. I plan on sticking with AT&T, my grandfathered-in unlimited data plan, and my time-honed ability to make its customer service reps feel sorry for me and offer me discounts.
Besides, AT&T has been dropping billions in securing airspace for better reception. That might mean those soft spots—like that mysterious stretch of block in Downtown Boston where all calls and data simply die—may soon be plugged with miraculous usability. And the more people who sign up with the Big V means the more breathing room I have for doing as I please with my network.
So by all means, leave AT&T. Go with Verizon. Hug ’em to pieces; smother ’em with kisses. I’ll be here, wafting through my soon-to-be-annihilated network soft spots with my faster 3G network, patiently awaiting AT&T’s own 4G offering and the discounts I’ll receive for being such an apple-cheeked good boy for soldiering through.
The post The Verizon iPhone Is the Best Thing That Will Ever Happen to You appeared first on The Good Men Project.
